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Title: Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
Copyright: 2003 by Margaret Paul
Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.com
Word Count: 720
Category: Parenting

CARETAKING PARENTS, ENTITLED KIDS
Margaret Paul, Ph,.D.

Demanding children children who have entitlement issues seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child,
Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever
she wanted (I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!), we hear many children today uttering the fairly constant refrain, I want .! Give it to me! Get it for me, now! They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents through phrases such as Its not fair! or You do not love me! or What about what I want?, or by getting angry, shutting down or crying piteously.

Why are there so many demanding children?

Olivia grew up with a self-centered demanding critical mother who never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned early to take responsibility for her mothers feelings by being a great girl. Now, as a parent herself, and not wanting to do to her children what her mother did to her, she has gone the other way. Rather than being demanding and self-centered, she is compliant and self-sacrificing. Rather than being an authoritarian parent like her mother was, she is a permissive parent, giving in to her childrens demands rather than setting appropriate limits.

Olivia tends to give much to much credence to her childrens feelings. All they absolutely need to do is be upset about something and she stops what she is doing to attend to them. They have learned to make use of their feelings of hurt, irritation and anger as a means of control. Olivia thinks she is being loving when she makes it safe for her children to express their feelings. The problem is she is not discerning the difference between having feelings and using feelings as a means of control. Because she gives her childrens feelings so much importance, her children have learned to utilize their feelings against her.

Olivias children absolutely need to learn to care about Olivia instead of just trying to get her to give herself up to meet their demands. The only way they will learn to care about her is
if she learns to care about herself.

Demanding children are difficult to be around. They have a hard measure keeping friends and as adults they create chaotic
relationships. So lets take a hard look at what we positive need to do to support caring in children rather than self-centeredness. Authoritarian parenting generally creates
compliant/caretaking children, while permissive parenting seems to create narcissistic children. Neither authoritarian
nor permissive parenting is loving parenting parenting that supports the highest grand of both children and parents. Lets break the cycle of generating caretakers and takers. As
parents, we positive need to learn to:

* Take loving care of ourselves rather than constantly give ourselves up to our childrens needs and feelings.

* Set appropriate limits rather than always complying with our childrens demands.

* Care about our own feelings as much as we care about our childrens feelings.

* Not allow our feelings and needs to be invisible to our family.

* Accept rejection from our children rather than give in to them to avoid being rejected.

* Learn to discern the difference between childrens feelings that need to be attended to and feelings that are being used to manipulate.

* Expect to be appreciated and respected rather than accept being taken for granted.

It is not a matter of swinging back to authoritarian parenting. It is a matter of expecting to be treated with respect and caring. Your children will learn to treat you
the way you treat yourself. If you allow your feelings and needs to be invisible because you are not attending to them or creating them important to you, your children will learn to see you and others as invisible. Children who see themselves as important and others as invisible because this is what
their parents are role-modeling may become narcissistic, self-centered, demanding children.

It is not effortless to move out of caretaking and into caring about yourself and others. Caretaking others was likely a form of survival when you we are growing up. Yet to truly be a loving parent, you absolutely need to have the courage to behave in a way that fosters caring and consideration in your children,
and this will never happen if you consistently put yourself aside for others.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved
By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com